Older Age

When I am an old woman, I shall touch up young women in bathrooms and wear DayGlo yellow sneakers

DayGlo yellow sneakers

Before the age of 52, a week ago now, touching young women in bathrooms and wearing DayGlo yellow sneakers would have made it onto that list entitled ‘Things You Don’t Do Just Because You’re Old and Stupid.’

Old and stupid begins with a young woman, a work colleague, minding her own business after doing her business in the work bathroom. Later turning around to the full length mirror to fix her perfect face, she didn’t know she needed someone to tuck in the two bra straps on show at the back of her perfect self.

Uh huh, I am that woman who will tuck in a young girl’s bra straps in a public bathroom and then pat her on the back, hold onto her shoulders and say knowingly, “I have a daughter.”

What does that even mean?

Does it follow I can tuck in young men’s tuckables in public bathrooms and get by with the simple, messed-up truth I have a son?

But the thing made sense to me at the time.

As did stopping by the young woman’s desk 20 minutes later to confirm I’m not the sort of person who goes around accosting young women in bathrooms. Plainly not true since the poor girl had been there and subjected to the laying on of hands.

At the point where she pretended to reach (slowly) into her bag for a Murray Mint, I excused myself. I’ve never been maced, but I’m sure it starts off with a scared young woman reaching slowly into a bag.

My second throwing of caution to the wind, was to forsook the sensible black and blue sneakers my daughter had gifted me for my birthday. Before she finished the sentence, “I was going to play a joke on you, Mum, and buy you some DayGlo yellow sneakers,” we were at the shoe shop exchanging sensible for madness. DayGlo yellow madness I wear most days with tailored clothes walking to the bus stop for work.

The young woman of The Unfortunate Bathroom Event spotted me recently in the tailored work clothes and Those Sneakers. Poor thing must have been late for work, though, as her leisurely stroll turned into a wild-eyed run in 8” heels.

Could have been worse. I could have been wearing purple and spitting in the street.

HMS HerMelness Speaks