The Queen’s apology

Queen Elizabeth II

Dear HMS HerMelness Speaks, one is somewhat concerned that a recent epistle of yours entitled ‘Dear Kate Middleton’ implies, and from which can be inferred, that one spends one’s pension allowance on Vodka, thereby leaving no funds for the wedding of one’s Grandson to the commoner, Miss Middleton. In this wise, I would ask that you please ‘Make It Stop!’ and print a retraction and apology with all haste if one is to avoid ‘a misunderstanding’ with the gallows.



You are right. I can of course have no first hand knowledge of how you spend your pension. Your tipple of choice may be Whisky or have you perhaps succumbed to the delectable delights of Disaronno advertised nightly on our television screens? If so, I would be interested to know what you think. If not up to par, maybe it could be used in the fruit cake for the aforementioned wedding?

Talking of fruit cakes, how did you manage to get away with not inviting The Duchess of York to the nuptials? I would love to know since I have a similar problem with my Aunt Fanny who has been caught toe sucking for money. Any advice, gratefully received.

But I digress.

It really is none of my business how you spend your pension. Be it on stockpiling dog food or the lure of the online poker and bingo sites. Although they can be a bit of a punt. Has Her Majesty had much luck?

After one too many drinkies I, like you, have also known the lure of trying to recoup my losses on the GG’s. Which reminds me. My small village in the backside-of-beyond is holding a race meet next week to which you would be very welcome. While not in your racing league, the donkeys do actually go quite quickly when gently persuaded to do so with a carrot, a stick and some lighter fluid. I would also not put you to the embarrassment of having to make a speech since I appreciate speechifying when half cut from the night before is no joke. ‘We are not amused,’ indeed.

All of that to say, your Ma’am-ness, I hope this gesture of friendship will augment my apology for daring to assume to know your nightly tipple of choice.

Ever your poor servant,

HMS HerMelness Speaks