Make It Stop!

Food, glorious food critics

Food critic

My children will not let me forget the time I returned a glass of wine (politely) because it was ‘undrinkable.’ Really, Mum. Really?

The shame.

No, the wine wasn’t good, but nor was that piece of pomp which has since heightened my filters to other self-appointed food critics. (Looking at you hard, ‘Masterchef’).

    • Damning a restaurant publicly and maliciously is not you being a food critic, that’s you being malicious.
    • ‘Mouth feel’? Do we mean texture, or even…taste.
    • Had a shit meal? You didn’t. Cultivate the art of writing well and descriptively.
    • Making or breaking a restaurant is not a real job. Stop saying it.
    • Let’s strike ‘authentic curry’ from our vocabularly until we know what that means.
    • A master critic of anything is not the same as a master artist (of anything). Who told you that? Sorry.
    • But, hey, we have a good knowledge of wine, beers, the restaurant business, business in wider context and the running of a professional kitchen to qualify our opinions. (You once spoke to a chef, though? Good.)
    • Anonymity isn’t our schtick? Being recognised, fawned and poured (sic) over is? Now, here’s the thing about real food critics…
    • Food isn’t flowers. It doesn’t need to be ‘arranged’.
    • That fine dining establishment didn’t serve a palate cleanser? What eating slums are you visiting?
    • If we were starving, we would eat that meal. (Find someone who is starving to help distinguish between starving and being merely hungry.)
    • Ketchup. THERE WAS KETCHUP IN THE KITCHEN? The police were called, right?
    • The environment was contextualised as to how it impacted on the eating experience cos’ we’re food critics and not interior designers, remember?
    • In any case, the motivation behind our critiques is always to provide a well-informed, thoughtful and unbiased point of view. It isn’t? Oh, dear. From the top, then…
MISs Make It Stop!