Dear Kate Middleton

Dear Kate

Let me begin by offering my sincere congratulations on your impending marriage to young William. Your parents would have been so proud.

While it is true we have yet to receive the news that your parents have passed away (damn Royal Mail, eh?), I am assuming this must be the case since I have just heard from Mrs Hawkins at No. 22 that I am to pay for your wedding?

Not being long out of The Gibberish Generation, I know your thoughtlessness can, at best, be attributed to being in love and, at worst, to the rudeness of the young and foolish. However, I must hold you to the same high standards I hold my own children. Being, if you want something from me, please ask and don’t just help yourself.

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