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HerMelness Tweets
Someone just said, ‘You look exactly as I thought you would.’ Determined not to feel insulted!HerMelness Speaks
Developing an irrational fear that everyone on Twitter can see me. You can’t can you? How many fingers am I holding up?HerMelness Speaks
Mac OS X update coming in. Need to shut down. No, there was no sexier way to tweet that.HerMelness Speaks
Am I there yet? I can’t even remember where I was going.HerMelness Speaks
The next time I decide to put Kiwi in a vegetable curry, someone slap me. I said NEXT time.HerMelness Speaks
Just stamped a piece of string to death because I thought it was a centipede. I know, I know, what did string ever do to me. #CreepyCrawliesHerMelness Speaks
Dear Potential Sponsor, when I said wholesome and balanced blogger I meant I tell lies.HerMelness Speaks
Say what you want about the inconvenience, but those monthly baths are very refreshing. #DirtyCowHerMelness Speaks
I have a difficult staff meeting with myself in the morning where I may have to sack me.HerMelness Speaks
Who keeps a rice dish in their oven for so long it is now a matter for Pest Control? Answer right after this short break.HerMelness Speaks
Concluded not a good idea to write code at Wine O’Clock, but that could just be the drink talking. #HicHerMelness Speaks
On to Plan B which, unsurprisingly maybe, chiefly involves throwing out Plan A.HerMelness Speaks
For accurate calorie purposes, 1 heaped teaspoon means piled high to the ceiling until the thing overlaps onto the kitchen counter, dun it?HerMelness Speaks
Oh well, it could be worse. I could be me. #Arrgghhh.HerMelness Speaks
The fastest way to find typos, grammatical errors, or just plain shit in your posts is to hit the ‘publish’ button.HerMelness Speaks
Just spent an enjoyable 30mins with charming, articulate tech support guy. Couldn’t help with anything technical but 2 of out 3 ain’t bad.HerMelness Speaks
When a huge gang of women get together hellbent on just supporting each other, it is a deeply moving experience. #BritMumsLiveHerMelness Speaks
Between Royals, Bank Holidays and Half Term children have been at school maybe 2 days this year. School days really are the best of your life!HerMelness Speaks
Moving house? Bought a mini emergency fridge? Set to ‘Cold’ not ‘Hot’ before loading milk, yoghurt, salad and fish overnight. #Welcome #ShitHerMelness Speaks
Blood tests came back. I am related to those kids in my house. #JoyHerMelness Speaks
Oooh! Someone’s parked a Mercedes outside my door. No, wait…it’s the milkman and his float. As you were.HerMelness Speaks
Why does my brain go home for the day when there is still so much to do?HerMelness Speaks
I long for the days of real problems…like how many hearts is too much on a school exercise book. Five? Six? Blue or black ink? #SighHerMelness Speaks
Think before you speak. Tthink before you tweet. And the hard bit is…..?HerMelness Speaks
When our young people are hurting, wouldn’t it be nice to magic them to the future where none of it will matter (or even be remembered)?HerMelness Speaks
A mystery how teenagers are always out of credit, except when they’re ringing asking for something!HerMelness Speaks
Just taken a good, long hard look at myself in the mirror this morning and resolved never to do that again.HerMelness Speaks
Prize for the next young person who uses the word ‘like’ in its proper context. Like, is that ok? No. The answer is no. It is not ok.HerMelness Speaks
Rumours that I may indeed have a brain are proving to be unfounded.HerMelness Speaks
Quick, guys, I think I may have been overheard. In what way could ‘Cantankerous Cow’ be a good thing?HerMelness Speaks
Just made Lemon Chicken for dinner without lemon and without chicken, or do I mean I just made a Cosmo? I get so confused.HerMelness Speaks
WANTTED: Proofreader. Warning you may already have failed the first test.HerMelness Speaks
I may be parenting the future President? We’re screwed y’all.HerMelness Speaks
Tena should be paying us for all this free peeblicity.HerMelness Speaks
Dear Anonymous? I am totally accepting of alternative viewpoints. I have no problem with everyone else being wrong.HerMelness Speaks
I’ve never watched a kettle boil before. I now know why.HerMelness Speaks
Why are literary agents so literal? No, wait. I get it. Thanks.HerMelness Speaks
Just went to give someone a piece of my mind, then realised I couldn’t afford to lose any more of it!HerMelness Speaks
It is so cold in this house I’m wearing a house coat. How do I even have a house coat? Didn’t we burn house coats in the 70′s?HerMelness Speaks
Low fat cheese would taste so much better if it didn’t taste so much of low fat cheese.HerMelness Speaks
Spammers stop sending me porn or I’ll send you a picture of me in the bath doing something unnecessary with a tub of Vaseline.HerMelness Speaks
Papa used to roll in stoned. (Alternative Lyrics Tuesday)HerMelness Speaks
I just Google +1′d a post. No idea what that means, but I hope it respects me in the morning.HerMelness Speaks
Know how you leave a 50-page document to print while you get ready for a time sensitive meeting, then the printer isn’t on? *B-R-E-A-T-H-E*HerMelness Speaks
Asked if I would rather be a sarcastic parent or a kind mother. Could someone explain the question to me, again, just one last time.HerMelness Speaks
Now going to get ready for church. I wish my mother would get Twitter and Facebook just to read that. MUM, I’M GOING TO CHURCH.HerMelness Speaks
I’m so lucky with my kids. They always call me during Saturday Prep on phones that shouldn’t be on during Saturday Prep. #DelinquentsHerMelness Speaks
Teenager didn’t realise sacrifice means not going out to dinner with your friends when you have a big trip to save for. #OhHerMelness Speaks
Am juggling too many balls today and none of which belong to Denzel Washington.HerMelness Speaks
My kids are great. *One, Two, Three, you’re back in the room*HerMelness Speaks
Computer error: THE SERVER UNDERSTOOD THE REQUEST, BUT IS REFUSING TO FULFILL IT. I have teenagers like that.HerMelness Speaks
My teens. So thoughtful. For my birthday and Mothers’ Day they are lying in to give me some peace to clear up from last night’s festivities.HerMelness Speaks
And for my next trick, I will attempt to wake my teens before noon. *Gathers up hard hat and a shed load of patience.*HerMelness Speaks
Got to go. One of the teenagers is ringing wanting something. I hope it’s not a kidney. Just can’t be asked tonight.HerMelness Speaks
Terribly exciting times. Teenager is out buying supper for tonight. Will it be beef…pork…fish…or those fabulous pink pumps?HerMelness Speaks
First item on my Bucket List is…Not to die. Thank you very much.HerMelness Speaks
How many glasses of wine make up our 5-a-Day?HerMelness Speaks
PR Companies: Not sure I’m an influential blogger, but if you need a blogger under the influence? I’m your gal!HerMelness Speaks
Nice letter from the Doctor asking me to truss him the next time we meet. #SpellingRulesHerMelness Speaks
Funny. Just convinced a passerby that my cat is called Get-The-F**k-Out-Of-My-Garden.HerMelness Speaks
Have no problem with people choosing when to die. Kids clubbing together to choose when I die is what gives me pause.HerMelness Speaks
Off to morph into an elegant and cultured person. I may be some time.HerMelness Speaks
Good morning. I’ve got the plumbers and plasterers in today. I wanted a new look and makeup wasn’t cutting it.HerMelness Speaks
I envisage a day mainly trying to wrestle the top off this child-proof bottle of Ibuprofen.HerMelness Speaks
Must be time to get off Twitter, I’m talking about Christmas tree pine needles in cheese spread.HerMelness Speaks
Note to Self: Make sure phone is off before calling a supplier a twat as tends to make them more twatish.HerMelness Speaks
Lovely to meet you. My main area of expertise is Denzel’s arse. His films? No, I couldn’t tell you what one of them was about!HerMelness Speaks
My standards are incredibly low today and I’m still having trouble meeting them.HerMelness Speaks
When there are two camps in what is obviously a grudge war, don’t set up tent in either one of them.HerMelness Speaks
In doctor’s waiting room. Magazines not up to much, although there is a piece of breaking news … someone’s shot JR.HerMelness Speaks
Remind me. When someone is coming to your house for the first time, is it the first layer of dirt that comes off or the second?HerMelness Speaks
OMG!!!! Help. Most of the wine ended up in the Risotto.HerMelness Speaks
When my son was younger, he made a stethoscope out of two tampons and some elastic, came down and said hello to the vicar.HerMelness Speaks
Middle age is when you catch your reflection in a shop window and your first thought is ‘Get off the streets and stop scaring people.’HerMelness Speaks
Just followed a load of people named ‘Mel’. Figure they’ve got to be good people, right? #NotYouMelGibsonHerMelness Speaks
Kids, you were warned. Coming to get my headphones. And, yes, rollers may still be in and, no, not sure what lesson I’ll be turning up in.HerMelness
How bad is it to be standing over the kitchen sink eating from an oven tray and drinking wine from a beaker? #ThoughtSoHerMelness Speaks
Give them a kidney? Didn’t I already donate my vagina to those kids?HerMelness Speaks
Drum Roll….I’ve made the momentous decision that I am incapable of making any more decisions today. #ThankYouHerMelness Speaks
Just had a MARVELLOUS idea of how to get teenagers to wise up mega-quickly. Get THEM to parent teenagers. #FlippingGeniusHerMelness Speaks
I love Twitter. Where we get to say more shit in less words. Who knew that could be a great business model?HerMelness Speaks
Well, Monday. I don’t know what to say to you. You’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down…HerMelness Speaks
Think I’m about to retweet my dinner. Yep, here it comes RT @chicken, @peas, @rice and @toomanyglassesofwine.HerMelness Speaks
Hidden my teenager’s mobile phone. She will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7……there she goes.HerMelness Speaks
You know how people used to jump back in amazement when you said you were 40 and now just nod when you jokingly say you’re 70? That.HerMelness Speaks
Wonder if I can interest the market in ‘Half Term Vodka’ like normal Vodka, just 200% proof. #DragonsDenHerMelness Speaks
Apparently, if you ask better questions you’ll get better answers. Okay, here goes. May I have £2 million pounds? Nope, the answers are still shite.HerMelness Speaks
Can I sue for defamation if the lies about me are true?HerMelness Speaks
Wondering if I should stop asking rhetorical questions?HerMelness Speaks
Right peeps, see you all tomorrow. I Need to go and shave my face…I mean legs.HerMelness Speaks
I’m thinking of getting my toaster a Twitter account, except that would be too weird. The kettle it is, then.HerMelness Speaks
I may go completely mad, throw all caution to the wind and have a WHOLE tomato in my sandwich.HerMelness Speaks
Best blogging sentence I have read this year. Too many bloggers do not proof red their posts.HerMelness Speaks
That moment you bravely put yourself out on a limb followed by the ground breaking thought WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?HerMelness Speaks
Just seen my reflection and if I squint I don’t look a day over 30 – and when I say squint I mean close my eyes.HerMelness Speaks
One thing I know for sure…no, wait…it’s gone. Officially then, I know nothing.HerMelness Speaks
Size 14 broke in and kidnapped my size 8 body. Ransom demand reads Send cake in small unmarked tins.HerMelness Speaks
If sarcasm be the lowest form of wit, I’m in the right room then. *Pulls up two chairs*HerMelness Speaks
These techies aren’t messing around. That ‘Delete Permanently’ button actually deletes things permanently.HerMelness Speaks
I keep asking my mother how she brought up 7 children without a #parenting hashtag. She’s still refusing to answer me.HerMelness Speaks
Birds singing, sun shining. May be day to break out a Spring fragrance. Don’t judge me, but yes, I have a fragrance wardrobe. I heard that.HerMelness Speaks
Will review Smirnoff for free.HerMelness Speaks
Can smell cigarette smoke in the house. Would burglar have smoke before mugging me? *Looks around for offensive weapon. Grabs Twitter*HerMelness Speaks
I want my first sponsored post to be meaningful. I am prepared to review Denzel Washington’s performance. A dirty job – hopefully.HerMelness Speaks
I can see the moral high ground from here. Looks a tad over-populated today.HerMelness Speaks
More strident punishment for identity thieves? Anyone stealing my identify will have been punished enough.HerMelness Speaks
If I had a fault…wait, there must be one…hang on. No, I got nothing. #FailHerMelness Speaks
May I make a suggestion helpdesk people? Please stop asking ‘What was your name.’ My name doesn’t change in the 5 mins I’m talking to you.HerMelness Speaks
WOW! Someone I don’t know has just emailed and is gonna put £10,000 in my account today AND enlarge my penis. #TheKindnessOfStrangersHerMelness Speaks
Think I’ll class it up and have my Spaghetti Hoops on a plate and wine in a glass tonight.HerMelness Speaks
Advance emails are confirming this is going to be a red lipstick and Ibuprofen day.HerMelness Speaks
You know when you’re busy and offer someone a cup of tea only because you know they’ll say no but they say yes, then you stab them? #ThatHerMelness Speaks
When you’re rich and successful you can get things free. Restaurant meals, tickets. When you’re poor, try asking for a free meal.HerMelness Speaks
Okay, school concert to prepare for – which largely entails looking for earplugs.HerMelness Speaks
Great thing about City living is being able to pop out to get, well, anything, and doesn’t involve 2 bus rides and a sleigh. #ProsAndConsHerMelness Speaks
Spellcheck is of no use if you can’t spell in the first…plaice.HerMelness Speaks
Prom premonitions: Them: Which one is your daughter? Me: The one not in the £5,000 prom dress.HerMelness Speaks
It may take a village to raise a child, but it only takes one pissed off mother to knock ‘em down.HerMelness Speaks
I might stop pontificating about truth and honesty, since if I said half the things that were on my mind I’d have to emigrate.HerMelness Speaks
Instinctive parenting is becoming a thing. Had I used IP when mine were babies, I’m not sure they would have made it past my first instinct!HerMelness Speaks
Great website for memory training, but they want personal details on sign-up which I can’t remember…mainly because I need memory training.HerMelness Speaks
Dear corporations spamming social media, canvassing endlessly for ‘Likes’ is not how social media works. I know. It’s confusing.HerMelness Speaks
The point in a house move where the stuff in the removal van looks remarkably similar to the stuff in the skip.HerMelness Speaks
Birthday and Mothers’ Day on same day. My kids’ allowance are thanking the Gods. The one card will probably read Happy Mirthday.HerMelness Speaks
Going to have to get a bigger car, cos’ when I drive to that loony bin sooo many people on this ‘ere Twitter should be riding in with me.HerMelness Speaks
Getting really excited now…I’m 1500 mistakes away from getting this thing right.HerMelness Speaks
Please don’t take me to task over things I wrote in the early days of blogging. I wasn’t drinking then.HerMelness Speaks
As a hypothetical, what could happen if you sprayed Raid under your arms instead of deodorant? Okay, then. Will you excuse me a moment?HerMelness Speaks
Our children’s partners will one day ask ‘What was your mother like?’ and be directed to our blogs with the words ‘Read at your own risk.’HerMelness Speaks
Thinking of suing the Genie Bra people under the Trades Description Act. I keep rubbing and nothing.HerMelness Speaks
My daughter can use every technological gadget known to man, but cannot work out how a broom works.HerMelness Speaks
And in the blue corner we have Monday morning…and in the red corner HerMelness. Place your bets.HerMelness Speaks
The second thing not to say to someone who hasn’t backed up a lost file is ‘Why didn’t you think to back up that file?’HerMelness Speaks
Don’t you just hate it when people tag ugly photographs of you in Facebook? I know the odds are against me, but still.HerMelness Speaks
People, you know how I said I was intelligent and witty? That was my avatar talking!HerMelness Speaks
Nobody move. I’ve dropped my brain.HerMelness Speaks
If God had wanted children in charge they would have been born before parents.HerMelness Speaks
Don’t tell me you’ve never put clothes in the dishwasher. I said don’t tell me.HerMelness Speaks
Could someone look after some blog posts for me, but remember if my mother asks…they belong to you!HerMelness Speaks
HMS HerMelness Speaks as featured on:
Black Bloggers UK, BlogHer, BritMums, Brilliance in Blogging finalist, Colourful FM Radio, Dream Corner FM, Technorati Writer, Tesco Magazine, TotsUK Top 500 Parent Blogs
Copyright HMS HerMelness Speaks aka Melinda Sealy Fargo. All Rights Reserved. PR and public speaking requests to PR@hermelness.com, please. Thank you.
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